Vic's Humor Page
Most people may like my humor - that's just a fact of life. I am so modest. A few may want perfection, but this world around us and the people in it are not perfect...BUT CAN BE FUN. FUN! FUN!!! Perfection...is only in Heaven. Yet no one wants to go to Heaven just yet! That alone cracks me up!
But before you go, have a laugh below!
In Budapest 2013:The New York Cafe in Budapest Hungary (http://www.newyorkcafe.hu) was commissioned to be built "as the most beautiful cafe in the world in 1894". It is exactly that. It was a fantastic experience that I would recommend it very highly to anyone. There is no better food, service or ambiance anywhere and I travelled a lot during my life to about 65 countries often and experienced many of the best places. It was a long walk back to the hotel and somewhere along the line I came to the decision that I will never make it back to the hotel bathroom, and that is what I am eager to tell you about.
Rushed into a very fancy book store on Andrassy Street called the Parisian Department Store, or something like that. I am mentioning this place on my website as the beautiful cafe on the second floor of this store that is also out of this world.
At this point I thought I had a 60 second fuse to disaster, so I asked where the man's room was.
I was pointed to the elevator indicating that it is on the bottom floor. "What bottom floor??!! I WAS on the bottom floor!!" - I thought with anxiety. Found the elevator, and stopped at several floors, with no sign of a bathroom. Then I found it.
Thank God, I thought, because I had seconds on the fuse. I walked inside and imagine this picture. There is a man's and a lady's room. There is what appeared to be a barcode reader next to each door handle. I knew that I did not have a barcode printed on my rear end. I was about to explode. Then I see a metal box on the opposite wall. There is a minimal description IN HUNGARIAN of having to put a 200 Forint coin (about a dollar) into a slot. I do speak it well, and believe me, it was similar to a puzzle as opposed to a clear statement. It would have been nice if it said "Please put in here a 200 Forint coint. A bar code will be printed and coming out of the other slot, which then only you can use to open the man's room door." Instead it said "Put in a $200 Forint coin here".
Well, there were no listed options for what you would get for the money inserted like in roadside gas stations in the USA, and I was in a bathroom I was certain. If I did not have a 200 Forint coin, I would have been in real trouble. I could not have covered myself enough even if I bought two large books in the book store.
Lesson One:Carry a 200 Forint coin in Budapest, Hungary. Learn when you arrive how such toilets operate, whether you need it or not. Well, after I put my coin in the metal box on the wall, after some funny noises that seemed to go on until eternity with a Jamaican Reggae rhythm, I got a piece of paper that had a barcode on it. It worked on the man's door. I was seconds from an explosion.
There was a second door inside. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!! It was occupied. This security matched that at Fort Knox I think. And for what??!!
I am not going to say for what. I was praying like you cannot believe, because a bookstore would not have offered any "cover" if I had an accident. Sound of a flush, a kid comes out and I probably flew in above him, pants coming off while flying, and a nuclear explosion probably the size of the one above Hiroshima as I landed.
Lesson Two:your predecessor's single flush may not work well enough or at all, if the toilet was built at the same time as the building was, about 200 years ago. Finally three flushes worked, and I was very happy. As I stepped out and before closing the bar code-opened security door to the man's room, two well dressed ladies were standing there doing what appeared to be a strange version of a Hungarian folk dance called Csardas, with a profusely sweating red face with an "OH MY GOD!" expression. I understood their dilemma from the bottom of my heart. The Csardas is strangest looking dance that one could do ONLY if one had to go really bad. Being understanding and merciful, I immediately suggested that they just go into the man's room that I had open, one guarding the one who is doing.
I want some extra points for this from St.Peter when my time comes. I was also laughing about the next man that will go through all that I had to go through, just to find the man's room occupied by two desperate ladies. One of whom was still dancing the Csardas.
Lesson Three:carry more than one 200 Forint coin when in Budapest and ESPECIALLY after you had a great lunch or dinner and decided to walk to the hotel instead of taking a taxi. But if this happens to you, a book store may not be a bad choice. A BIG book store.
Live and learn.
I couldn't hear from my right ear. Took the garden hose and flushed it for 30 minutes. A suppository came out. Now I know where my hearing aid is.
Going On A Caribbean Cruise
Vic finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Vic. "You had no tools or hardware." "How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Vic is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Vic looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Vic goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch Tennessee football from here?
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Mary's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
HIGH TECH HILLBILLY
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) had a second terrible quarter. Business was down 20% for the first time in company history, and the Colonel had some tough decisions to make. As the executives of KFC were discussing possible solutions to the problems, the Colonel's eyes lit up. He had a great idea for promotion. He knew the Pope in Rome. They met many times. So he left the conference room, called the Pope, and was connected immediately.
"Your Eminence and my dear friend, I have a terrible problem and I need your help. KFC's business is down and I will have to lay off hundreds of people. There is one thing that could save us. If you could make a tiny change in the Lord's Prayer, and change "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken", our problems would be solved, and I could donate to the church $10 million dollars each year."
"I am sorry that I cannot help you" - said the Pope - "The Lord's Prayer is the most important prayer for us and we could not possibly change it. And I am Cherman you know."
A year went by and KFC's business just kept going down like a rock. Just before laying off thousands, the Colonel flew to Rome to visit the Pope. It was difficult for him to get an appointment, because the College of Cardinals, the managing body of the Catholic Church was about to meet, and the Pope was very busy with the usual preparations. But he gave his friend the Colonel five minutes.
"Your Eminence, my good friend," - said the Colonel - "I am sorry to bother you at such a busy time, but we will have to close our business effecting thousands of families, unless I can get your help. Could you please change the Lord's Prayer just a little from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken". It would solve our problems and I could donate to the church $100 million dollars each year.
"Well my friend" - said the Pope - "We could do a lot with an additional $100 million each year, but I do not believe that I can help you. I am sorry that I have no time for you now, but give me a call after the College of Cardinals Meeting is over and we can chat about old times."
The next morning the College of Cardinals Meeting started promptly at 8 AM, with the Pope making some introductory remarks.
"We have been having some serious financial problems in recent years, with a drop in church donations by the public. So I have some good news and some bad news for you."
"KFC, a large American corporation decided to donate to us $100 million dollars each year. It will solve our own financial problems, and we will be able to do many good things for thousands of families as a result."
An impatient cardinal stood up and yelled from the rear: "But what is the bad news your Eminence?"
"We lost the Wonder Bread account" - said the Pope with a sad face.
"I took the day off of work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green.
I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron". I looked around and didn't see anyone, so
I tried again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." I looked around and saw a frog about 5 feet away. Decided
to prove the frog wrong, put the other club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit a birdie! I was shocked. Then I said to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog!" The frog reply was
"Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
So I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What
do you think frog?", I asked. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.
I took out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one!! I was really
befuddled and didn't know what to say. By the end of the day, I
golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "Ok where to
next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas".
So we went to Vegas and I said, "Ok frog, now what?" The
frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table I asked," what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit
$3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this
would win but after the golf game, I figured what the heck.
Boom!!! Tons of cash come sliding back across the table.
So I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me". So I figured why not, since after all
the frog did for me he deserved it. All of a sudden the frog turns
into the most gorgeous and voluptuous 15 year old girl in the world!
...and that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton".
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent
they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through
with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked
beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you
for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head
of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight onto one cheek and let one go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine
revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He
got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows
shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the
flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time
with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the
first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn
up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!!"
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
The blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"